Been listening to Fiona Apple a lot lately. Got the CDs at the Public Library, my source for everything cool. I'm a closet geek, I guess. And I think I'll get her CDs again. I used to LOOOOVE 'Criminal'. And I guess those music clubs are useful after all.
You see, I need a lot of music because the soundtrack of my life changes with my -many- moods. I'm in this weird place right now where I cannot find myself. It's that limbo when you are neither sad nor happy, you're not angry but you're not cheery. It's weird.
I went out last night. For one, I needed to step away from the rarified athmosphere at home. I lost it with him and then he was angry and we didn't speak all day. Haven't spoken much today and I just came back from kickboxing and he's not here. Whatever. When he comes back it'll be all my fault, blah, blah, blah. And also, I wanted to go dancing and I have to confess I was hoping I would get to dance with you. Silly, isn't it?
And talking about my situation with him, I think there comes a time when you stop caring or you put the whole thing so back in your mind that it's not even there anymore.
I cannot decide if I'm fed up or if it's something everybody goes through. I don't want to romanticize relationships and have this view that everything has to be good. But this is ridiculous. Gosh, I need counseling, therapy, something.
I also think I'm in this silly little place because I haven't seen you in a while. And because after reading your blog (I know. I shouldn't, but still, I do) I know you're probably out in your date and that makes me a little... jealous? Is it jealous because it's me with whom I want you to be having a date? Is it your freedom? Is it just because I'm tired and I want to forget about grading and preparing and I wish it were Thanksgiving already so I can go and see Rent? I don't know. And I don't have the strenght to keep on questioning myself. Thank goodness for this blog. I find it liberating that I get to write all this shit here and just chill after a while.
Heh.
Oh, by the way. I went to the movies last night (alone, but it's not the first time nor the last) and enjoyed the movie. 'Good night and good luck'. Pretty cool movie. Smart and thought provoking. It helped that it had guys like the kind of guys I remember when I was a very little boy. In suits and ties and hats and smoking. Also the topic of absolutism and how not all bad things last forever made me think both about this country and about my situation.
Funny, isn't it?
And I got this little Rent poster for you. Even though I know you'll get your own when you go see the movie. Or that you may not care. See how I still keep doing little things thinking of you? That's called pathetic. I'm a pathetic little old man. LOL. I think you're my early midlife crisis. I should have gone the way of the Mustang Convertible or the little red Corvette. That would have left me in deep debt and less scarred.
Smooches, baby boy.
XOXO
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