Sorry?

I went to see you last night, baby boy. And you did really well. That little pause sounded really good. And you messed up the guy's name just right. Also, I just read you blog (I try to stay away, but you're like chocolate, baby boy, addictive and delicious). And saw that I'm still there. It's kind of comforting. To know that I'm still alive in your thoughts, that I have not been obliterated by the roaring stream of your consciousness and your desire to be everybody and everyting. And you wonder why you feel you could fall for me when you read me but not when we're together. When we're together I'm me. When you read me you interpret me. When we're together, I'm being the you you want to be. I rub some people the wrong way and I charm the other half. And I have learned not to give a fuck. 

Age does have its advantages. Whe we're together, I am me, with all my problems and pet peeves and kooky foreign stuff. But I have gotten to the point when I understand why and how people do not like me or love me unconditionally. And accept that there are some things that I will never be. I have limitations, baby boy. I have managed to understand superficially that I'm not invincible, infallible, powerful. Even though I feel like that when I'm with you. When we're alone, when you're touching me. When you seem to think only in me and want only me. But I do get overwhelmed with you going in seven directions at the same time when we're together. You wanting to do everybody and everything. You want me, You don't. You want him, You don't. You want to stay the same and change radically. 

Change poses, friends, county, clothes. Have a boyfriend that may be only in your head. And that drives me crazy and I then I want to stay away. That's when I think that it's better that I disappear and let you find your Mr.Righ. Let you play house with other little boy and not mess up with my and your life. One thing I can't understand, though, is that fear of disappearing into the overweight, dull, middle-working-class hell you describe. I don't see you doing that. Is it because I see you differently? Is it narcissism? Because with all your obsession with romance, preternatural need of acceptance and relentless desire to BE you remind me of ... me. I have told you many times that being individualistic and sticking to what you want does not always yields good results. 

Been there. Got the bad results. As I told you, I've learned (the hard way, trust me) that to be transcendent, to be yourself and to be taken into account you sometimes have to bleed and cry and sweat and sometimes give up on yourself. I've done it. But I try not to let the pitfalls get to me. I just try to dust myself off, stand up and try again. I have tried to learn. Like I'm learning with my relationship with you (we had something like that didn't we? We still kind of have it?) and my current relationship with a man who's basically the opposite of everything I am. Is that why I am so attracted to you? Because I see a kindred soul? A hopeless romantic who's also selfish and self-centered, but with a very soft core he tries to hide from everybody? 

Someone who's afraid not to please but at the same time absolutely sure he's doing the right thing? A man who thinks time is tick-tocking away but that at the same time sits and procrastinates at little things hoping to get a big break on the more grandiose things? I have not gotten to be my age and look and act like my own son would without being a walking contradiction. So why do we clash? Why do I become someone you don't like when we are together when we are so similar? 

 There seems to only exist this balance when we write. Because we are both protected by distance and then all the Bovarism of this situation flowers. Oh, and I think yo noticed that I do get you. I totally do. That's my one redeeming quality and my doom. Because you're under my skin, delicious baby boy. And I am such a fool that I have not yet decided if it was better when you weren't.

XOXO