You know what? I've found out I do have a voice. I've been able to be articulate -for once- and told him how I feel. It's been awhile now that I've been trying to leave my shut-down, clam-like attitude when he hurts me and be more assertive.
I sat my own ass down and totally read him. Did not budge (wanted to) or cringe (did internally) and told him I was tired of his using all that psycological babble and counselor savoir faire to turn my words and thoughts back at me. I told him -more or less- what I thought of him and his manipulative ways, his penchant for being overwhelming and his micro-managing me. Also that it's been forever it's not worked for me in bed and that I felt he presented to me a side of himself that was not his true self.
It was not easy. There was a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. My hands went cold. But I sat there. And told him all about himself. He did not take it well. It was not pretty.
Oh, and did he fire back. But this time it did not hurt that much. You see, I think that what you said -no risk, no gain or something like that- kind of resonated.
It's not like I'm going to be able to leave him tomorrow and pack all this shit I've managed to accumulate and be 'free' -have to learn to pack light but that's another story- but I feel less constrained. I am at this point in my life and I'm going to hold my ground while I can. And enjoy my life. I don't have the advantage of thinking of a distant lover in a distant country and comfort myself thinking that HE is the ONE, or thinking that MR. Right Now will appease my need for love and passion and all that for a few days or weeks or months. Or the advantage of waiting until I'm twenty to realize all this. Hell no.
While seeing you struggle with your desires and wants (you want to have sex but not itimacy, you want to have a boyfriend but also want to have friends but both are temporary in concept and deed), I looked inside this head of mine and saw that my insatisfaction is not too different from yours.
I want to please someone whose opinion I think is (was?) important to me. But I don't trust them completely (do they do the same to me that I've seen them do to other people?). I want to escape to something that may or may not be better but I cannot (don't have the resources/courage to do it, too tied to debts and moral commitments and a false sense of comfort to do it), and I keep trying to navigate a world full of challenges and insecurities.
But I have spoken. I was the mouse who roared. I could see the surprise in his face, but things have gotten down a notch. It's more maneageble in here now.
No chance yet of letting him touch me and be the same it was years ago, though. I think that was all in my mind. I think I lied to myself that time. Don't they say that we see what we want to see and feel what we want to feel?
It was not like when I touched you, or when I felt you getting harder in my hand. Or when I kissed you the first time, or when I heard you saying my name in that dark hotel room. There was not that wave of freedom, of recklessness -I was this close to letting you do me that one time- that I feel with you. I still shy away and stuff. But hey, who said I could have it all? Oh, right. You.
Maybe later, I guess. But I felt this was one step in the right direction. Next step: going back to a counselor. I have to make time for that. And the first thing I'm going to do is have them read this blog.
I have to be thankful to you for that too, baby boy. You showed me the healing powers of cyberspace. The combined metaphysical healing powers of the glowing screen and the keyboard. Now, back to life. Gotta get my office organized, go eat some Krispy Kremes and see a movie.
Oh, Fridays.
The one thing missing is you. But I'll manage, I guess.
OXOXOX, yummy baby boy.
Oh, the image? It's from this very cool site called http://postsecret.blogspot.com that I found right here. Yet one other thing I have to thank you for, baby boy