"Siento que me duelas todavía aquí
Adentro...
Y que a tu edad sepas bien lo que es
romperle el corazón a alguien así.
No se puede vivir con tanto veneno
La esperanza que me da tu amor
No me la dió más nadie,
Te juro, no miento
No se puede vivir con tanto veneno
No se puede dedicar el alma
A acumular intentos
Pesa más la rabia que el cemento..." Well, I guess things are going back to 'normal' and we'll become parts of an interlude that almost wasn't. Isn't that funny? How we'll become part of each other's fables and our flaws will become blurry and our assets will stand out?
Lives go back to their baseline: yours back to late nights with friends, experimenting and proving yourself and advancing and retreating. New men will come and go and the search will continue. I'll go back to the routine of having lunch with friends and colleages, dinner at restaurants and early nights at home with comings and going to Pittsburgh and Cleveland.
But you'll stay in my memory.
The same way Leo stays in yours: pitted against the mundane and everyday you'll stand out with those dimples, with your doe eyes and those lips. Those hands, that skin. I told you I don't mind terribly that you haven't returned my call or attempted calling. I knew it was coming and it's good that it's easier for you to just let things 'go'. I'm cool. I'll still go and see your play. I may even bring someone with me.
We're back to one. My life is slowly grinding back to full speed and I have learned to stand up and reclaim my terrain. He is either reconsidering his ways or aware of my decision to send it all to hell if things do not change. I have no idea. But things are slightly better. Is it that I am more relaxed with him now? When we were going out I did not let him close. It was some kind of treason to you and to what I feel for you. Now it's easier. You've lead me back to him, I guess.
As that little piece of song says, one cannot live with so much poison. And anger IS heavier than cement. It weighs you down and makes you drag yourself through the day. Is it the fact that you broke my heart a little bit helped de-freeze me?
One wouldn't expect somebody your age to be capable of that, but hey, it's the best age to break hearts a little bit. But it's true one cannot dedicate oneself to accumulate intentions: acting is better. So I'll move on. There are so many things to look forward to: jobs, friends, lovers. Fun and heartache.
Because the same way you will keep looking for Mr. Right and diving between friends, exerting your power over Michael -whom you can turn this way and that due to his nature and your whim- and pining for Leo -even though that may not be more than part of your mithology, fleeting and impossibly good- I will keep walking through my life, either picking up the pieces of my relationship and putting them together again or finishing it all off with a swift 'good-bye', I will keep enjoying myself and fighting Peter Pan's shadow while trying to concile my two sides and many desires.
Oh, it's all good. I've learned about me and you and him and the way I relate to people. Too passionate, I guess, for my own good and other people's comfort level. I have to learn to take things more cerebrally, less from the gut. Or find a balance that lets me be me without rubbing other people raw. And I guess that's it for today. I have lots of things to do and I better start early.
Cheers, baby boy.
And here's where that
quote comes from:
XOXO
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